My Bone Marrow Transplant: Day 122 - Breaking the Silence - Baring My Soul - Believing in My Healer

I have been silent the last month and a half concerning my bone marrow transplant. It has been a very hard past six weeks for me. My body is weak beyond words. I spent three and a half weeks in the hospital due to a very bad case of GVHD of the GI tract. Food would not stay down and I was put back on steroids and IV food and meds. A side affect of the GvHD was that my intestines/stomach stopped absorbing nutrients into my vessels and veins and all the IV medications and TPN (IV food) have pooled into my legs. Severe swelling from my thighs to my toes (edema) has just added another physical burden to already internally weakened body. I feel as though I'm lugging around weights and am unable to lift my legs without using my hands. This external physical disability has proven to be such a trial for me. I have prayed and am continuing to pray for a quick work of healing. I know God is healing me everyday concerning the edema, but I would like to ask all those who know how to pray to ask the Lord for a divine miraculous healing. I am doing everything the doctors have advised to treat the swelling, but I feel the need to reach out and ask others to join me in prayer. Please pray for the actual GVHD also. Thanksgiving day I was only able to eat chicken broth, but thank the Lord I am now able to eat solid mild foods. My intestines are slowly healing but they constantly churn and ache. I need a special touch on my GI tract.

Concerning the actual transplant, I had a bone marrow biopsy recently and its preliminary findings showed that my marrow was producing blood but the doctors believe the specific brand of immunosuppressive drug they have had me on from the beginning is attacking and destroying what has been made. A 'cousin' drug will replace the one I had been taking and hopefully won't attack my marrow. I am asking all of you wonderful people who have been praying for me this whole time to pray specifically that the new drug will work and my body can finally start to heal and my blood counts to grow.

I also have three viruses that are persistently hanging on. BK, CMV, & EBV are their names. I am asking for prayer that these viruses will die out and leave my body. Please pray with me.

Mentally, I have never been so unstable. I feel so broken inside with no will to live or move or fight to live another day. Rest is my daily desire. Rest from pain, from weakness, rest from living at times. Everyday is a fight for peace and sanity. I want to try to put into words the condition of my mind but I fear I can't truly explain it. I have to push myself to move, bathe, eat, and even sleep. Anxiety chokes me at times and I feel as though my mind will explode. But I have found a sanctuary. In the bathroom, of all places. It's the only 'room' in our hotel room where I can be alone and talk with the Lord.

I have cried and begged and pleaded with the Lord to take me home with him. I have asked and prayed for just blessed rest. And I have had the most close encounters with Jesus Christ than I have ever had in my life. During my pleas for relief and mercy, the power of the Holy Ghost would completely fill my body and overtake me. Tongues come forth so strong and powerful. and I feel as though Jesus Christ himself is inside me. My prayers turn to requests of miraculous healing virtue to flow through my body. For divine miraculous healing to flood into every part of me. And His strength comes! Filling my entire being with electric power. He hears me! He heals me! He comes into that bathroom and surrounds me. He touches my mind and my soul and he calms my fears. His mercy covers my worn and tired soul and I feel alive again. He even showed up with a special touch while I was brushing my teeth! Speaking in tongues and toothpaste are quite a combo. But I stopped what I was doing and received His touch. Anytime He shows up, I pray I can always be so sensitive to Him.

Time will pass and I pray this transplant will just be a horrible nightmare that I can forget. The one thing I don't ever want to lose is the brokenness and closeness I have felt from Jesus. I pray daily for Him to carry me. To carry me through each hour, each day, each moment. To hold me so close and let me rest in him. The nurses and doctors use the word 'fight' to describe how to make it through this ordeal. I have chosen the word rest. I will rest in Him. I will rest in my Healer and let Him carry me through. My fight is gone and the only thing I must do is say 'not my will, but thine be done.' As a human, it is a hard thing to surrender but it is the only place to find rest. Rest is what I most desire.

I would also like to express my love and appreciation for my mother. She has literally saved my life. This has been such a toil on her. She has been so strong and brave during this entire time that I am in awe of how strong of a woman she is. I ask all of her friends to please keep her in your prayers. Pray for her everyday. Pray for health, healing, and peace of mind. Pray for her strength to keep pulling me through this hard time.

I ask that you all rebuke the spirits of, anxiety, oppression, and depression. That peace, hope, and joy would fill our current living area.

Please pray for my husband. A greater, kinder, patient man, I have never met. He has been so strong during this time. I feel awful that I can't be with him and be the wife I need to be. That is its own burden. Please pray for him and be there for him. Our family needs your prayers.

I want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart for every prayer that anyone has uttered on my behalf. At times I feel as though it's greedy of me to ask for prayers but they are the only thing I truly need. I have learned the value and need to pray for others that are suffering. I sincerely pray for all those that are sick and in need of healing.

We still have no date of when I can be released to go home. I am dependent on blood and platelet transfusions now and until my marrow gets a fighting chance to produce blood I'm not stable enough to leave.

I ask you all to pray and believe for a miraculous work that God may receive all the glory. That everyone will know He is real and divine and ever-present. I want to testify of all He has done for me. To declare boldly that Jesus Christ is a Healer and that He does a quick work.

Pray. Pray. Pray.
Thank you.

Alicia